How to be Happy as a Materialist

To be happy as a materialist is possible. Dave Peard once said to me that money couldn’t buy happiness, but you could buy a Porsche and drive up real close to it. I’ve given it some thought, and I think I’ve figured out how you can be happy as a materialist.

First, carefully guard your base of friends and make sure that all of your friends are exactly like you, live in similar neighborhoods, drive similar cars, do similar things, and take similar vacations. It is a bonus if most of you work for the same company. If your social life and work life completely reinforce your goal to be happy as a materialist, then success is likely.

This is important because if you are to be happy as a materialist, you must never think and never question your lifestyle. It will cause a disaster, possibly even a breakdown. So, you must never think about how you are living.

Avoid Thinking, Seek Reinforcement

To avoid thinking, fill your life with noise, activity, and busyness. If you must be alone, make sure you have your ear buds in with loud popular music playing. Prophets of self-centeredness, like Wayne Dyer, are also helpful listening.

Another key to effective social reinforcement of your plan to be happy as a materialist is to make sure when you get together with your friends that there is just the right amount of alcohol being served to keep conversation light, focused on things, gossip, self aggrandizement, and comparison. Too little, and boredom might lead to reflection. Too much, and you risk dangerous questions the next day, during and after your hangover.

Next, if you mess up and start to think, immediately go and see a psychiatrist who is also a materialist. Tell them what is wrong and that you are starting to think about your life. Ask them to prescribe something that will dull thinking and make you feel happy.

Be Very Careful in Church Selection

You may go to church, but only a church that is mostly composed of people like you where the minister and leaders are on board with your plan. These churches are easy to find. Just drive through the parking lot, and look for a ratio of at least 80% new or luxury cars. Or you can just count Land Rovers. Seeing 10 Land Rovers trumps 50 ordinary luxury cars.

View religion as something you bolt onto to the rest of your life, something that improves it and makes it more respectable. The idea of a relationship with God is dangerous to your plan to be happy as a materialist. Think of God as being for you and doing what you want. Remember to think he is all about you being happy.

Also you must only pray when you are in trouble or want something. You cannot risk a daily relationship with God. This might negatively impact your happiness and expose you to joy which can destroy the whole plan.

Avoid reading about or thinking about Jesus. If you must think about him, think of him as a great moral teacher. Never mind what CS Lewis said, and never read CS Lewis.

If you must read the Bible, read only stories in Genesis, Leviticus, Kings, and Chronicles. Never ask what they mean for you. Concentrate on messages of respectability and focus on the accumulation of wealth. Stay away from the New Testament, and the Prophets at all costs. These will definitely cause you to be unhappy even if you are taking large doses of medicines to keep you happy.

Never, Ever, Ever read CS Lewis or Oswald Chambers.

Never talk about or think about death. Concentrate on ignoring it and fighting it. If you start to think about it, go back to your materialist psychiatrist.

The absolutely most dangerous idea for you is the idea that in heaven God wants to be in relationship with you and that relationship is supposed to start on earth in this life. Never ever think that, never. Only think about what you want. When you insist on thinking about heaven, make sure you think about you having more stuff and getting your needs met, and think of God as a giant Santa Claus just for you. Remember it’s all about you. Keep thinking: ‘It’s all about me, it’s all about me.’

Remember Philippians 4:13 and 4:19 are about making money and obtaining more possessions. Ignore people who tell you Paul wrote this while in prison and that prosperity is a mindset of gratitude in the Spirit not a lesson about getting more. God wants you to have the Bigger Better Deal (BBD). You can serve God and Mammon. That scribbling below the cross some churches carry up front is Latin for “God Loves Money.”

If you work at this really hard and follow these instructions, you might be able to make it 20 or 30 years without thinking. Remember thinking is dangerous.

Originally Published May 23, 2013

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